Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
