We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
