How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Is it because I queefed?
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
