Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
