Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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