I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
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