I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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