So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Randomize
