When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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