you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
