The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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