life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
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A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
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Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
All I want is dick and wine.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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