So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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