so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
