I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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