I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
