Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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