A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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