chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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