there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
