apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Randomize
