I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
