from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
