So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
