Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
