Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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