Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.