Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
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I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
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She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
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