just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
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My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
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I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.