so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
21 People Confess Their Craziest Online Dating Experience
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
These 27 Hilarious People Wrote Their Own Obituaries
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.