youre lurking in front of me
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is