I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
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