you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
My day in three words: secret purse cake
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
