I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
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