Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
