How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
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