Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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