I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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