The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Bring me that man meat
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
