Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
