Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
