You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
