im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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