two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Randomize
