how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
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