i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
