I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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