i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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