Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Barsexuality is the new black.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
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She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
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Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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