Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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