I am midnight drunk by noon
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Someone came in the potted fern
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
