your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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