She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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