Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
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I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
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People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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