does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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