I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
