so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
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