I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
