Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
