well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Randomize
