It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Randomize
